Aging Well: A friends and family plan

When I was young, I thought that by the time I was an older adult, I’d have solved all my problems.

Surprise! I often feel like a hot mess and always feel like I am a work in progress.

I realized only recently the degree to which our relationships evolve over time. While research shows social connections are significant contributors to our overall well-being, I mistakenly thought that by age 70, my relationships with family and friends would be quite set and unlikely to change. I didn’t expect any major shifts, but I was wrong.

Over the course of a single dinner, my relationship with two of my grandchildren shifted dramatically. My grandkids were home from college and asked if they could come over to visit. Wow! It was surprising for them to take the initiative like that. Our get-together was also different because their parents were not there. The grandchildren arrived on time, even a bit early.

Our conversation was lively. They asked me about my life, which was nice. Then they talked about their friends and what they were doing in college. We went on to discuss their hopes and concerns for the future. By meal’s end, I felt I knew both of them better than ever. I saw them in a new light, too, recognizing them as young adults, moving along on their own chosen paths, distinct and separate from their parents’ ways.

As they were leaving, I told them they were “coming along nicely.” We laughed because it’s a family joke, but I meant it sincerely. Spending time with my grandchildren helped our relationship grow and evolve.

Three tiers of friendship

As we age, many of us spend most of our days with friends. We may not have children or grandchildren or other family living nearby. In any case, we all need social connections.

We need three kinds of friends. The first is companions, friends we do things with, like play cards or go to a movie. The second is helpers, those who can assist us, like watering our plants while we’re away or picking us up when our car breaks down. Finally, we have confidants, close friends with whom we can share our deepest thoughts, worries, and hopes. Some friends fulfill one or two of these roles, and we’re truly lucky when we have those kinds of friends.

However, over time, our social group will shrink as friends move away to be closer to their kids, relocate to a warmer climate, or pass away. This means that most of us will benefit from continuing to make new friends along the way.

We seek friends who truly see and appreciate us. People who listen attentively, ask questions, and rarely give unsolicited advice. Individuals who continue to like us despite our quirks and imperfections. Finally, we want friends who understand that as we age, we forget things and mess up more often. They cut us some slack.

‘Let’s get together’

Making a new friend can be challenging. For instance, one day a woman I didn’t know very well said to me in passing, “Let’s get together for lunch.” However, nothing came of it. A few weeks later, we ran into each other again, and I suggested, “Let’s get together.” This back-and-forth continued for several weeks until I finally called her, and we went to lunch. Now, we have set plans for more meetings, and our friendship is blossoming.

It can be hard to initiate a get-together. As a social psychologist, I recognize that on some level we all fear rejection. Years ago, I decided to stop keeping track of whose turn it was to do the inviting. Instead, I chose to continue reaching out to people I enjoyed.

Many older men lack experience in organizing social gatherings and tend to have few close friends. On a positive note, I have noticed a growing awareness of men’s need for more connection. At my retirement community, several men’s dinner groups have sprung up. Additionally, a men’s book group formed at a local church. 

Many people are unaware of the significance of self-disclosure in friendships. Self-disclosure involves a gradual exchange of personal information that fosters trust and allows for a deeper connection. We share our vulnerabilities only when we feel safe and accepted. Without this sharing, relationships don’t grow. However, TMI (too much information), particularly in the first stages of a relationship, can be off-putting.

We all face challenges in our relationships, and many of us avoid addressing certain issues when they arise. Of course, it makes sense that we want to avoid hurting others or risking losing someone. Unfortunately, neglecting problems can lead to deterioration in the bond.

It’s possible to maintain closeness with others even when our views and opinions are wildly different. What matters is open acknowledgment that we disagree and a respectful understanding that we don’t have to agree on everything. Disagreement doesn’t mean we have to sever a relationship. This understanding has made my life much easier. 

Tips for handling relationships

• Cut everyone some slack.
• Don’t keep score.
• Continue reaching out to others.
• Apologize when you mess up.
• We can disagree and still be close.
• We are all doing the best we can.
• Relationships are what matter most.

Opinions expressed are those of the author.