Aging Well: Candor is crucial in hard conversations

The bonds between parents and children are among the strongest we ever make. Yet effective intergenerational communication is a lifelong challenge — especially when parents become very old or diminished.

These three real-life stories, drawn from former psychotherapy clients — their names changed to protect their privacy — illustrate some common problems and offer possible solutions. 

Maryanne

Tim and Lucy agreed it was time for their 82-year-old mother, Maryanne, to move to a place where she would receive much-needed assistance. Her husband and most of her friends had died. Her diabetes was becoming more symptomatic, and it was difficult for her to navigate her three-story house.

Anytime Tim or Lucy mentioned moving, Maryanne would change the subject or launch into a familiar but unrelated story. When Lucy took Maryanne to visit potential senior-living facilities, her mother found fault with each one. Despite this, the siblings continued their search, but the more they encouraged Maryanne to make a decision, the more she resisted. Tim and Lucy saw her as “stubborn” and “irrational” and became frustrated with her. Maryanne finally exploded and told Lucy and Tim to “back off.” In their exasperation, they did just that.

My observations 

Tim and Lucy didn’t realize that Maryanne’s behavior — her tendency to repeat old stories, her frequent off-topic comments, and her refusal to make decisions — was a way of protecting her hidden agenda. Conscious of it or not, she had an underlying goal of keeping everything unchanged to avoid facing additional losses. Maryanne’s stalling tactics were her way of maintaining control.

Lucy and Tim struggled to understand because, like many middle-age people, their unspoken agenda was to rush through long to-do lists. They were so busy with their jobs and children that they had little time to make unproductive visits just to “coddle” their difficult mother. They also lacked insight into what it feels like to be old and what becomes important later in life. Once they realized they needed to adjust their expectations, they backed off.

That’s why Maryanne remains in her three-story house, and her children remain worried about her well-being.

Duncan

For several years, Lori had been worried about whether it was safe for her 85-year-old father, Duncan, to keep driving. He had fallen several times, and his arthritis was worsening. Despite this, Duncan remained adamant that he would keep driving. Finally, Lori insisted he take a driving skills test for older adults. When Duncan flunked and was told that he had to surrender his license, he was furious. For weeks he ranted about the test. Annoyed, Lori told him he was being childish.

My observations 

I believe it was wise for Lori to insist that Duncan take the driving test despite how hard it was to accomplish. However, I wish she had been more attuned to Duncan’s feelings. It’s easy to be misled by expressions of anger and overlook the underlying hurt. All would have gone much more smoothly if Lori understood how significant a loss of control it was for her father to be unable to drive. He needed empathy, condolences, and love.

Millie

Millie lived in a small house in the countryside. Shortly after her husband died, Millie had a serious heart attack. She was recovering well, and the next thing her three sons knew, she announced she had moved to an apartment in town. They were upset because they all lived far away. Millie finally admitted, “I didn’t want to be a burden on any of you. Of course, I would prefer to be near one of you.”

At this point, the sons began to talk. One said he and his wife would be glad to have Millie move in with them; they had the space. Millie moved in and lived there happily for the next two years.

My observations 

Millie’s story began with major communication failures on both sides of the generational divide. Her sons did not keep in regular contact with their mom. Meanwhile, Millie struggled to ask for what she really wanted — to live near one of her sons. Her secret agenda was to never ask anything of her children. She had quietly engineered a move to a town where she didn’t want to live.

Lack of honest communication can be a recipe for disaster. Of course, the sons should have been more involved from the start and worked as a family to find a solution. Of course, Millie should have been more forthright about what she wanted.

Facilitating the discourse

• The unspoken agendas of most older people include maintaining control and not being a burden to their children. For children with aging parents, the hidden agenda is often to fix any problems that arise as quickly as possible. A wonderful way for everyone to stay connected and informed is to hold regular family meetings on Zoom or in person.
• Adult children must remember that their parents, in most situations, have the right to make an unwise decision. It requires patience and understanding at this stage, especially when there are worrisome safety and financial concerns.
• Older parents must ask for the help they need. It’s appropriate for them to become increasingly dependent. The task for children with aging parents is to take the time to understand what their parents are actually feeling and what they need or want.
• Navigating difficult conversations between older parents and their adult children can feel like walking a tightrope. There’s no right or wrong, but the key here is understanding the other’s point of view.

Views are the author’s.