Aging Well: Key benefits of self-care

Self-care is a relatively new concept for me. I learned in my work as a psychotherapist that its importance is still not understood by many people, but its benefits are tremendous.

I was challenged in my own self-care while mourning my partner, Peter, who died in November 2023. During the holidays, I felt out of sync with all the fa-la-la joy. I tried to remember that I was not alone and many others live with losses. Honestly, it was scary, because I couldn’t count on being my “steady, reliable self.” My mind sometimes felt foggy, and my moods were unpredictable. One minute I was fine being at a meeting or dinner with friends; the next, I needed to be alone and do nothing.

On the positive side, I knew what would be helpful. I gave myself time off from my writing and other commitments for a month. Normally very busy, I became more mindful of my pace and did things that soothed me — taking walks outside, listening to guided meditations, and reading, to focus on something besides my sadness. I flew to California to visit with a beloved cousin who has health challenges, and our time together was healing for both of us.

Most helpful were the times when I could feel my sadness and just be with it for a while. It sounds simple, but it isn’t for many of us. 

What is self-care?

Self-care is what we do, and the choices we make, to ensure our well-being and happiness. It can be scheduling time for yourself, resting, working on a hobby, calling a friend, eating a cookie, or not eating a cookie. It is whatever behavior fills your inner wellsprings.

Self-care begins with understanding that your own well-being is important. We can’t be helpful to others if we are depleted, running on empty with nothing to give. As we age, self-care is a priority, because we face new and unexpected challenges. What used to work might no longer be helpful.

Let me tell you about Ethan, 72, who told me, “It seems my use-by date has come up. Several old injuries are bothering me, and I may need shoulder surgery. And I have way less energy than before.”

Ethan, an executive in a small business, is seeking a new work-life balance, and he wants a good life as he ages. He’s dedicated most of his time to work, even on weekends, leaving little free time for other activities. Though he and his wife have always made time for visits with their nearby grandkids, they can’t be his only purpose.

Like most men, Ethan has few very close friends. He remains active in his town committees and church, but what he doesn’t make time for is his own well-being. At this point in Ethan’s career, he is fortunate to have the financial stability to choose how much he works.

Shockingly, Ethan’s security and choices are rare in this rich country of ours. There was a story in The Washington Post about the dramatic rise of suicides among older people, especially men. In 2022, there were twice as many suicides of men over 75 compared with suicides of men of all ages. Among women of all ages, there were only about one-quarter the number of suicides compared with those of men of all ages. 

While there are a host of causes — including loneliness, isolation, poor health, and the death of a spouse — these facts suggest our culture doesn’t encourage men to care for themselves. Most men lack close friends, compared with almost all women. Additionally, most men think depression is a normal part of aging. Men, as a group, are also less likely than women to seek help with their mental health issues. It’s sad; the right medicine and some therapy could make such a positive difference in their lives.

Steps toward self-care: 

1. Commit to self-care by writing your commitments down in a journal. Review your lifestyle and see what changes you may want to make. This may include altering your diet, exercise levels, and use of alcohol and other substances.

2. Make regular check-ins with your emotional self. Ask yourself, “What is my mood? My energy level? What is my inner weather? Am I peaceful and sunny or tense and stormy?” Then ask yourself: “Am I feeling safe, sad, happy, worried, fearful, purposeful, lazy, sleepy, wired, anxious, hopeful, down in the dumps, angry, overwhelmed, or lonely?” Identifying what’s going on inside is key to self-care.

3. Ask yourself, “What do I need to do right now?” Do something, however small, and see how it makes you feel. For example, if you are exhausted, decide to take a nap or go to bed earlier that night. Reflect on the impact of this change. Did getting more sleep help? Then ask again: “What do I need to do now?” This is a process of constantly checking in with your needs and making small changes.

Good luck to all of us Ethans who are embracing self-care, perhaps for the first time.

I will close with this thought from Socrates, who said: “Know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves.”